How do your memories shape you?

(≈7 min read)

Dr Seuss – “Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

We’ve all experienced those times where we wish we could delete a certain memory from our mind forever, start fresh, relive a specific period of time with the knowledge we now know.

But that’s the thing about memories; no matter how many of them you have and no matter how good or bad they are, you’ll never get a chance to remedy those wrongs. Your memories shape you into you.

Consider the following question:

“Would you be the same person if you had an accident and lost all your memories up to this point in your life?”

You’d have to relearn to love your parents and your friends and although in a materialistic sense, you’d be the same person with the same body, would you still really be you? The question is: how do our memories shape us and how can we use that answer to our advantage?

Why do we have memories?

Memories constitute a large portion of our personality. But why do they exist? Does remembering what you had for lunch yesterday really improve your odds of survival?

Well, in short, you remember the past to be prepared for the future. From an evolutionary perspective, it’d make sense for us to learn from our mistakes. If we were to eat a harmful berry, get sick and proceed to have no memory of eating that berry, we’d continue to eat it over and over, getting sicker and sicker each time. Likewise if you were to meet a girl, get married and proceed to lose the memory of her entirely, cultivating meaningful relationships would be near impossible. Memories exist solely for our future selves. A quote from the lion king:

“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

How often have you spent days on end replaying situations over and over, thinking about all the tiny things you did wrong (this happens to me surprisingly frequently)? My advice would be: if you still have a negative emotional response to an old memory, you should take steps to address that memory.

Think about why the bad thing that happened, happened. Was there anything you could have done about it? What could you have done differently? What would you do if the same situation occurred in the future? If asking yourself these questions don’t seem to help, I’d advise seeking external advice, perhaps from a psychologist who can provide specialised and individualised help.

The more painful memories you hold, the more enslaved you are to your own brain. By consciously going through and addressing painful memories, you’re liberating yourself from yourself; from an evolutionary standpoint, the memory has served its purpose, you’ve learnt from it for the future.

Should we trust our memories?

A classic study conducted by Loftus and Palmer on eyewitnesses found that memory surrounding a specific event that has been witnessed is highly flexible and prone to change. When someone is exposed to new information between witnessing the event and recalling it, this new information is likely to have a significant effect on how the individual recalls it.

Our memory of every event is nothing more than a memory of the last time we remembered it. Read that line again (if you want). If for example you remember a certain event for the first time perhaps with two or three slight changes, the second time you remember it, you are remembering that memory with these two or three differences, as well as any extra differences that arise from remembering it again.

The more you recall a memory the further and further it strays from reality. That’s why there’s a decent body of research that suggests childhood memories tend so often to be wildly inaccurate.

When you think about it, that’s a terrifying fact; I hate to break it to you, but so many of your memories that you consider to have defined you are actually very likely distorted and pretty distant from reality.

Why memories can hurt

It’s indisputable that recalling certain memories can induce a huge degree of suffering.

Often, people suffering from anxiety have a tendency to dwell on negative memories for way longer than necessary. Whether it be saying someone’s name wrong, tripping over in the playground, or saying ‘goodnight’ instead of ‘bye’, an event that to most might seem trivial or insignificant can haunt the anxious person for weeks, sometimes even months on end (especially if you’re me).

In these situations we need to accept the fact that the memory we continuously relive has happened and that no amount of thinking or ruminating will change it. All we can do is learn from it and adapt our behaviour in the present. Each and every time you recall that painful memory, you’re doing nothing but inflicting the same degree of unnecessary suffering upon yourself.

Memories can also be particularly saddening when we experience loss. For a lot of us, the saddest part of life is when the person who gave us the best memories becomes a memory. When you lose someone you love, a part of you wants to remember that person, to hold onto, cherish those happy memories you hold so dear.

You’ll never get the same moment twice and so memories can provide a way of reliving old times. But when we summon these memories excessively, reliving them can begin to feel painful. Each and every photo or video that you see reminds you that these are memories you’ll never again recreate. They remind you that you’ll never again be able to write new memories with the person you’ve lost.

But a part of us has to hold on; we can’t simply expunge all those parts of someone we hold so close to our heart. It’s just about moderation and not sentencing yourself to extra unnecessary suffering.

When talking about grief and the role memories have on psychological wellbeing it can often be useful to consider this thought experiment:

Imagine there was a pill that could immediately vanquish any feelings of grief completely – when, if at all, would you take it?

Of course, almost no one would take it right away. If you witnessed your child get run over and die, you could simply take this pill and ten minutes later, go shopping, have a coffee and go about your day like nothing happened. Clearly, that’s not something most of us would actually want.

We kind of want to feel pain. It’s somewhat contradictory but suffering is a necessary component of grieving and if we had the choice a lot of us would actually choose, despite the fact this person we love is gone, to continue suffering and reliving those memories because to not would feel like we are somewhat ungrateful for  the impact this person has had on our life. So feel free to suffer, but in moderation.

Why memories can also be beautiful

Although memories can be incredibly painful they also have the capability of making us really happy. How many times have you and your friends talked about some past event that happened and laughed about it over dinner? How many times have you sat down with your family and scrolled through pictures of the past to remind you of the good old days. When you relive moments in which you were genuinely happy, you tend to feel happy in the moment too.

It’s a truly powerful thing to have the opportunity to be fleetingly imbued with this remote kind of happiness at any time simply from staring vacantly at a photo. And that’s why memories are so powerful, so beautiful.

There’s a balance that must be struck between learning to detach ourselves from the past and not getting entangled in the memories we’ll never get back and using them to induce temporary joy and nostalgia.

When should we take photos?

In spite of what a friend used to tell me, a photo is not just ink on a piece of paper. If you’re not convinced, consider this question:

“Could you happily stab a photo of a family member repeatedly?”

I sure hope the answer is no. If it is, then clearly a photo consists of more than simply the sum of its material parts. If it’s not, then maybe consider having a pleasant chat with this family member.

When we go to a foreign country or visit a landmark, why exactly do we feel this intense urge to take a photo? Is it to show other people where we’ve been? To store memories that we can look back upon later? Think about it for a second. Why do you take photos?

One of the golden rules I abide by when setting goals for myself is to ask myself this question: “If I were not allowed to talk to anyone ever about this goal, would I still be doing it?”

If the answer is yes, then I consider it a good goal. But if not, I reconsider. The same applies when taking photos. I want my life to be governed by me. I know you might not believe me, but I don’t want to deprive myself of the present moment and take a photo for the sole purpose of looking good to others.

I don’t want my self-worth to be predicated on the opinion and judgement of others. So if I take a photo, I take it for me, or I take it for the people I love (perhaps to stamp a memory I wouldn’t want to forget).

For me photos serve only one purpose – to evoke memories. If I’m experiencing something so wondrous that I know I’ll never forget, sometimes a photo seems redundant, sometimes I feel the best thing to do is simply bathe in the moment and perhaps take a quick picture at the end to look back at and remind me of that time.

So for me the question is: if the whole purpose of a photo is to reel those memories back then surely, at times they are unnecessary?

When I see people retake the same photo for the thousandth time because one strand of someone’s hair wasn’t positioned correctly, I sometimes wonder why the photo is even being taken in the first place. Why does the quality of the picture even matter? If the only thing it’ll serve to do is evoke a happy memory, why are people so insistent on everyone’s hair being just perfect?

Are expensive souvenirs pointless?

You could apply the same logic from photos, to souvenirs. Consider this question: why do you buy souvenirs?

For most of us, our reply would be something along the lines of: “to remember”. And if this is the case then is the quality of the souvenir really all that important?

If you go to a museum there’ll almost always be a gift shop at the exit of the place you’re visiting where, inevitably, you’ll watch as kids scurry around, clutching extortionate item after item to place into their poor parents hands.

As per a photo, the sole purpose of a souvenir is to evoke memories of the place. That can be achieved through a number of ways. Buying a ridiculously exorbitant item therefore seems fairly nonsensical.

Picking up a rock from the side of the road by the museum will serve the exact same purpose as that hundred pound painting – it’ll reel back lucid memories of the museum and the experience you had there.

There’s a tendency for us to delude ourselves into thinking a souvenir must be something more than a memory retriever. But as long as the symbolism, the link between object and memory is there and strong, I’d argue the object itself is largely irrelevant.

How to use the concept of memories to live life in the present moment

Look, life can be really tough. At times, so tough that it can be difficult not to descend into this damaging spiral which culminates in us being convinced we’ll never be happy. It’s easy to forget that even though you might hate the life you are currently living, there is a good chance that in the future you will look back at this time in your life in a wistful state of mind.

How many times have you reminisced about going back to a specific period of your life? If only you could go back and relive those teenage years again, you might think. What we forget is that in those teenage years you wish you could return to, you were likely experiencing a lot of pain and at the time, likely just wanted to move on from that stage onto the next. You wanted to be an adult and thought adulthood would bring joy and contentment. But then adulthood came…

Kids want to grow up and adults want to grow young. Whatever stage we are in life, it’s easy to delude ourselves into thinking moving to a different stage would make us happy. But this just leaves us in a state of perpetual unhappiness.

Rather than thinking about what could be, it can be useful to realise that this stage of life you’re in right now, you’ll someday look back on and wish you could return to.

There’ll come a time when you’re in a nursing home, ensconced to an armchair dreaming about how much you’d give to live the life you are currently living.

“Treat current events as if they were a cherished memory”

The time will come when you wish you were strong and well enough to do the washing or do the lawn. When you are doing the lawn, instead of getting mad and thinking about how annoying it is (which to be fair is not an unreasonable thing to think about), think about how much ninety year old you would give to be able to walk around the garden and feel the fresh air and the rays of sunshine on their skin. Enjoy being however old you are because it’s not going to last. To end, a quote from Winnie the Pooh:

“We didn’t realise we were making memories, we just knew we were having fun.”